-What are you doing? -I'm emptying the dishwasher.
Got that game tonight. Didn't want to Ieave you with everything.
Honey that's sweet. These are aII dirty.
-Thanks for trying. -AII right.
Go have a good time.
Why did you have to go say that?
-AII I said was ¡°Have a good time.¡± -Yeah.
You don't think I know what that means? I know....
-I have to go to my game tonight. -Yes I understand.
You are reIentIess.
You think I want to go? I don't want to. I want to stay home with you and the kids.
Last thing I want to do is go to an eIementary schooI gym tonight.
-Open in the paint. -He sees him.
Step back Iady. Barone£¡
Don't bring that trash in here. You shouId know better than that.
I didn't go sky.
-I don't even have to jump. -I didn't go fuII sky yeah.
Honey I'II be home as soon as I can.
Hi I'm Ray and I Iive here in Long IsIand with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter AIIy...
and twin two-year-oId boys.
It's not reaIIy about the kids.
My parents Iive across the street.
That's right.
And my brother Iives with them.
Now not every famiIy wouId go by on a conveyor beIt for you...
but mine wouId because--
Everybody Ioves Raymond.
Yeah.
They're kiIIing us. Where's the escape hatch?
I just don't know.
It's Iike pIaying the GIobetrotters.
I'm waiting for MeadowIark to puII my pants down.
No drinks. Let's go.
Come on sit down. What are we eating?
Shake it up come on£¡
You guys bIow.
How can we be Iosing to Bed Bath and Beyond?
They shouIdn't even be in the Pizza League.
If we don't pick it up in the second haIf it's arrivederci pIayoffs.
Kevin know what I'd Iove to try once? Getting into a game.
You know what we got to do? We got to go to a zone.
-No. -Yeah a zone.
You'II Iike the zone. You wiII not have to run.
No no zone.
As Iong as I'm Nemo's captain what I say goes.
That's right. He's right.
We need a new captain. Who wants the job? I do.
Fine. Good Iuck finding someone with my Ieadership abiIities...
my patience my peopIe skiIIs you candy-assed morons.
How about Ray as captain?
Yeah Ray£¡ RaygeIe£¡ Sure.
I'II do it. I'd Iike to give it a shot. I think I can do it.
Why don't we open it up to a IittIe discussion?
Okay. How about Robert?
Yes. He's taII£¡
What about discussing it?
You guys reaIIy want me?
Sure you're taII. Look how frigging taII you are£¡
So Robert it is.
You sure you're up to this?
'Cause you know I'II do it if you don't want to.
Come on Ray. Share his joy.
AII right Robert's one way to go if you want to go with Robert.
ObviousIy we aII want to go with Robert. Okay.
Second haIf. What's the Iineup Captain?
Robert£¡
AII right£¡ Okay.
Starting the second haIf it's going to be me...
you you you...
and you.
AII right.
What about me? How can I not start the second haIf?
I don't want to be accused of nepotism.
Catch the fever£¡
Okay.
Hi.
Ray just got home. Yeah that wouId be great CharIie.
Thanks. Okay bye.
CharIie's having a birthday party for Sam.
Saturday at the Happy Zone. We're aII invited.
That's great. The Happy Zone.
What's the matter honey? Did you Iose?
No we won.
I see. And you're sad for the other team?
I didn't pIay the whoIe second haIf.
Robert got eIected captain and he didn't put me in.
-That's great. -What's great?
You know that Robert gets to be captain.
And if he doesn't pIay you then you won't have to go so much...
and you couId spend some more time with us.
See? It's good news.
It's aII good news for me.
What's the matter? Don't you want to spend more time with us?
I do. You know I do.
Aren't you happy Robert got eIected captain?
Yes I'm happy.
Everything's working out great for me.
Oh my God. You want to be captain.
-No I don't. -Yes you do.
-I do not. -Look at you.
I don't want to be captain. It's the stupid Pizza League.
Those guys don't have a Iife.
I have a big Iife.
You reaIIy want this bad don't you?
No. I have you...
I have Ally I have MichaeI Geoffrey.
That's everybody right?
Yeah. ShouId be.
Listen I don't get this.
You work aII the time and you have to go on road trips...
and when you come back you run off and pIay.
And now you got to be captain.
Listen I've been pIaying with these guys since high schooI...
and we've never come cIose to winning a championship.
This time we're cIose.
And if I can be captain I know we can go aII the way.
And winning is more important than spending time with your famiIy?
AppIes and oranges.
No Ray. AppIes or oranges.
You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
I know.
Did it have to be sex?
I'm just trying to do it aII that's aII.
Okay you go ahead and try to do it aII.
I just think that you're choosing quantity over quaIity.
MyseIf obviousIy representing quaIity.
QuaIity is job one.
-That's right. -Okay QuaIity.
Robert doesn't want to pIay me and they don't want me as captain.
Who needs them?
I can't get out of tomorrow's game but I'm going to bIow off Saturday's.
That's right. Take me to the Happy Zone.
Let me at that whack-a-mole.
There he is come on.
Ray that was a great thing you did.
Not Iock the door?
You stepped aside and Iet your brother be captain.
Look at him. Captain Robert Barone.
Dad don't caII me that. I'm the same Robert I've aIways been.
CongratuIations. We're reaIIy happy for you.
-Thank you. -Isn't that right Ray?
I share his joy.
Come on get up.
The Barone boys.
Continuing a Iong Iegacy of athIetic exceIIence.
WeII I couIdn't have done it without Ray.
AIways gIad to heIp.
No fatty foods£¡
We've got games tomorrow and Saturday.
I want the team to be Iean and mean not soft and gooshy.
Don't touch my goosh.
Let's hear it for my firstborn.
A Ieader of men.
And my second son...
a IoyaI foIIower.
KiIIed them£¡ Yeah£¡
Oh my God.
GentIemen...
that was a disgrace.
I'm embarrassed to be in the same chiIdren's Iocker room with you.
Robert we won.
Yeah we were Iucky.
I consider this a moraI defeat. I'II teII you something eIse...
Nemo's Pizzeria shouId have destroyed WooIhoff's Chinese Takeout.
Robert just take it easy aII right?
CaIm down Paul Bunyan.
Smokes guy come here.
-AII right. -Give me that.
Wanna see what I think of your lung rocket? Look at that.
Okay smoke it now.
He's a maniac.
You ought to see him with a birthday cake.
That's enough out of you too. I didn't see you heIping out there tonight.
-I onIy pIayed for two minutes. -Yeah and we won.
Good point.
Robert I come here to pIay okay?
I got three kids. If I'm not going to pIay I couId be home...
puIIing a waffIe out of the VCR.
-At Ieast when I was captain it was fun. -Yeah.
Are you guys unhappy with me?
You scare me.
AII right. I guess that I'm the target of some backstage grumbIings.
You're Ietting the captain thing go to your head.
That's aII you care about is this ¡°Captain.¡± Captain Nemo.
I got to teII you nobody Iikes you this way. Maybe the captain thing is just too much.
Et tu, Raymond?
Come on don't do that stuff.
I quit.
Come on we need you.
-We need you you're.... -You're so frigging huge£¡
How'd it go?
Robert quit the team.
-That is terribIe. -Yeah.
He got a IittIe drunk with power and the guys turned on him.
-He kind of Ieft in a bad way. -Poor Robert.
So that kind of affects our trip to the Happy Zone Saturday.
We don't have to take Robert with us do we?
No but we can't take me with us either.
Come on. You said you were going to bIow off the game on Saturday.
That was when I wasn't pIaying.
-Who says you have to pIay? -The new captain.
Who's he?
Me.
Why?
My God what happened?
Not a good game.
This is my new job. I'm a coaster now.
Where does it hurt?
I think I puIIed a Iiver.
-Here come on. -Easy sIow.
-AII right. -SIower.
-Easy just watch it. -I'm trying.
-Move the piIIows. -AII right.
-Did you win at Ieast? -No.
It was awfuI.
Never mind. How was your day?
Gosh Ray the kids were so cute at the Happy Zone.
We had a great time.
-Where are they? Are they sIeeping? -Yeah.
-I missed them? -Yeah. You shouId have seen them.
They were in the baII pit...
and this big 7-year-oId comes over and he starts throwing baIIs at the twins.
And AIIy says ¡°Those are my brothers.¡± And she runs over and knocks the kid down.
-She knocked down a boy? -A big guy.
She gave him this hip check Iike Mark Messier.
I thought she was going to puII his shirt over his head.
She was so cute.
Oh God. Did you fiIm it?
No because you're the video guy.
I was busy dry heaving.
What eIse did I miss?
DoubIe-chocoIate fudge cake.
And I hate to teII you this but MichaeI said his first word today.
Come on no£¡
Yeah we were driving aIong the expressway and this truck cuts us off.
WeII you know what you aIways say when that happens to you?
-He said that? -CIear as a beII.
Oh God£¡
How did he say it? Did he punch it out Iike I do?
Ray it was as if you were in the car.
God I can't beIieve I missed that.
WeII you're very busy having it aII.
You're bound to miss some things.
But I'II teII you what...
-tomorrow if we aII wanna go together-- -I can't tomorrow.
-What? -I got the pIayoffs tomorrow.
PIayoffs now right? This stuff never ends.
This is why I became the captain.
To Iead us through the pIayoffs so we can win it.
Win what? What are you actuaIIy winning?
Maybe you'II understand when you see a big trophy sitting right over there.
Oh my God the trophy. You're right. I forgot about the trophy.
Is it shiny?
Don't worry I'II make it up to you. Everything's going to be okay.
I'm the captain.
You are some brother.
-Hi Ma. -Don't ¡°Ma¡± me.
I finaIIy got it out of Robert. He's been sitting over there for two days...
depressed moping not taIking to anyone. And you know why?
Because he's Robert?
Because his brother soId him down the river for his own gIory.
Ma you want to hear what MichaeI said today?
No I think you're about to hear it again.
-Look I didn't do anything. -No?
You dethroned him and then you took his crown.
You're Iike Richard III.
Or that guy on The Young and the Restless.
He did it to himseIf. The team was right.
You wouId put a basketbaII team before your famiIy?
You don't understand. He was out of controI.
He was yeIIing he wouIdn't Iisten to anybody.
He screamed and then he stormed out.
That's nonsense£¡ Who the heII in this famiIy acts Iike that?
You better get over there and make your brother feeI better...
or the next time I come over I won't be so nice.
WeII somebody needs a trip to the Happy Zone.
-Is Mom here? -She's upstairs hitting my speed bag.
How's the team?
We reaIIy missed you out there Rob.
Yeah. You ought to come back.
You guys want me back?
Yeah sure.
You're the best pIayer out there. We need you.
So you're asking me to be captain?
No.
I'm stiII going to be captain.
You are a piece of work.
Come on. Don't you see it's stiII in the famiIy.
It's just Iike you are captain onIy I'm captain.
Won't that be cozy?
Jus think about it. You come back and you heIp us win the championship...
the whoIe team wiII be happy.
And you won't be mad anymore so Mom wiII be happy.
You can heIp me with some of the Iesser captaining responsibiIities...
and I can spend more time with my famiIy. Then they'II be happy.
So once again you get everything.
No that's not everything. That's Iike...
four things.
Thanks for thinking of me but I'm just going to have to pass.
You can't pass. We can't do it without you.
Come on. You're the missing Iink.
I've heard that before.
I'II teII you what just come back for the pIayoffs...
and next year I'II make sure you're captain I promise.
I appreciate it but I'm just going to have to pursue another option.
Another option? With who?
WooIhoff's Chinese Takeout.
They put a very IoveIy offer on the tabIe.
Kung pao?
-Morning Mommy. -Hi honey. Where's Daddy?
He's in the shower singing.
He's terribIe.
Look it's Daddy's posse.
-Morning Debra. Where's the Captain? -We got a Iot of probIems.
No kidding. Ray wiII be down in a minute.
Hey boys. You going to finish this?
Kev come on. Do you mind? It's his breakfast.
He's not eating it. Look he spit it aII out.
You know Ray wiII be down in a second okay?
I'm sorry. Can I have some juice pIease?
Can't beIieve you're not married Andy.
I just haven't met Miss Right. You know anybody?
I'II Iet them aII know that you're Iooking.
Mommy that man's smoking.
Narc.
-Dave what are you doing? -Sorry. Where are my manners?
WouId you Iike one?
You know what? Why don't you guys just go on up?
I'm sure Ray wiII be happy to see you. After aII he is your captain.
-How's your sister doing? -Just go.
Honey do you want to taIk about what you just saw?
Camptown ladies sing that song Doo-dah, doo-dah
-What have you got going in there? -What are you doing?
-We need to taIk to you. -Wait£¡
Oh no£¡ Who's in my shower?
Get out of here.
Tartar controI. Kudos.
What are you doing? What do you want?
You screwed up the orders for the pIayoff uniforms.
-I didn't. -What styIe number did you order?
I don't know. 17.
-I toId you I'm a 70. -AII right. So what's the difference?
Nothing.
-Give me a toweI. -Am I going to pIay tonight?
I need to know. I was thinking about bringing a girI to the game.
-AII right I'II pIay you. -Then I'm teIIing her not to come.
This is why you guys are up here bothering me?
What do you think we just came up here to watch you buff yourseIf to a high sheen?
Yeah funny. I'II take care of everything. Do me a favor and get out of here£¡
-Nice nipples£¡ -These come in chewable.
-Get out of here. -Don't forget the uniforms.
-Who's starting tonight? -The guys who aren't in my bathroom.
Yeah aII right. Kevin come on.
What are you crazy?
Meanos.
Want some more French toast?
-Yes thank you Mommy. -You're weIcome.
What did you send in the stooges to the shower for?
Bunch of idiots.
They can't handIe anything.
-You okay honey? -Yeah.
Listen I screwed up the uniforms.
I got to go do the uniforms now. I got to make sure the gym's open.
AII the big important things a captain's got to do.
-So I'II see you Iater aII right? -See you.
-Bye Daddy. -Bye cutie.
Bye.
MichaeI don't say anything dirty untiI I get back.
Can you get that? You want some heIp?
Here Iet me spread that. Look at aII that syrup.
Is syrup your favorite thing?
You Iike that? What's your favorite breakfast?
Jam and bread.
That's what I thought.
What are you doing?
I just retired.
What about the team?
Don't worry about the team.
I'II teII them there's a better offer on the tabIe.
Any more French toast?
I'd Iove some. Thank you Captain.
Yeah I'm a born Ieader.
Wow.
Wasn't that better than basketbaII?
I think I sweat about the same.
I wonder how the guys are doing right now.
AII right guys as your captain...
I just want to say...
Iook don't get too down on yourseIves aII right?
We did the best we couId.
But for whatever reason we just didn't match up tonight.
Two, four, six, eight Who do we appreciate?
Nemo's, Nemo's Yeah, Nemo's!